Great Cultures Rely on Superficial Relationships

knifeThere’s an old Russian proverb about two farmers that goes something like this: One farmer grew enough potatoes to power a Wise factory for years (clearly, I’m modernizing). His neighbor barely sprouted a potato to distill into a shot glass (stereotyping, too).

One day, a genie comes to the unsuccessful farmer and offers to grant a single wish. What do you think the peasant asks for? A better harvest? Riches to retire in Crimea? Tickets to Hamilton?

“I wish for you to destroy my neighbor’s farm,” the poor farmer pleads.

This story is supposed to symbolize a historic attitude among many Russians—that tearing down those around you brings more satisfaction than lifting yourself up.

Russians aren’t the only ones afflicted with schadenfreude. I recently came across a couple of not-so-new studies suggesting why some employees go low when other achieve high. In “Victimization of high performers: The roles of envy and work group identification” and “Is it better to be average? High and low performance as predictors of employee victimization,” researchers delve into how less successful coworkers sometimes attack their more accomplished counterparts. They lie, gossip, undermine, deny resources—basically, they become Regina George.

Not like you need a bunch of papers to confirm what you already know: Envy mixed with an inferiority complex can cause people—maybe even you—to mutate into total jerks. At the same time, workers who overestimate their performance and don’t get the respect they think they deserve may also conspire to undercut peers.

At one company I worked, there was chitchat about two senior leaders cheating on their spouses with each other. True or not (probably not), I sensed that some people were wielding the rumor as a weapon.

So, how can companies promote a high-performing culture in the face of a spiteful counterculture? One recommendation is for flourishing employees to consider “downplaying their accomplishments and maintaining a humble outlook to avoid potential victimization in the future.”

Wait. What? No. Continue reading “Great Cultures Rely on Superficial Relationships”

How to Love Annual Performance Reviews

woman-1253508_960_720-2-2What? You don’t love annual reviews?

It’s OK. You’re not alone. If you think they suck at your company, you’re probably right. They suck at most companies. They always will—because there will always be pundits who need to make money by telling you about your organization’s poorly-designed system.

But I’m not one of them. I’ll share my thoughts for free about your rotten procedures.

There are many reasons why corporate America fails its people when it comes to year-end appraisals, more than can fit into a blog post, article, book, or series of books. One such cause centers around the anonymous nature of multi-rater feedback.

What if it weren’t anonymous? Would the CHRO’s head explode? Would a company collapse? This year, I decided to find out.

The Usual Approach

Anonymous feedback about an employee from a variety of colleagues aims to provide a more complete impression of that person’s performance. You know how it goes: Jane selects coworkers of all different types who will offer unbiased opinions whom she knows will say that she parted the Red Sea. Jane’s manager then asks those people to provide comments about Jane, whose multi-raters subsequently practically cream themselves in their remarks.

Except for Bob. Bob secretly thinks Jane is overrated or incompetent or said something mean to him back in 2002, so he concocts a list of Jane’s “areas for improvement.”

“I received some troubling feedback about you,” Jane’s manager conveys to Jane, who leaves the conversation shocked and on a hunt to discover which of her colleagues/frenemies whipped out a knife that may ultimately slice into her compensation. Continue reading “How to Love Annual Performance Reviews”

The Real Reason You Hate Negative Feedback

06-sally-field-oscar-acceptance-w536-h357-2xI have a problem: I like to be liked. It’s a problem because not everyone likes me, and that often messes with my head. Why can’t I be like those people who never miss an opportunity to point out, “This is who I am. I don’t care if you love me or hate me”?

Because those people are liars. I never believe them. Neither should you. Not when they’re talking about themselves or their work. I don’t think even they believe their own bullshit. Nevermind that no one utters such nonsense after hearing, “Great job!”

“I don’t care” is nothing but a passive-aggressive defense mechanism to hide the fact that we all care what others think of us. We all live for the applause.

So what happens when someone can’t see what you see in the mirror? How do you feel and what should you do when coworkers criticize your work? If you’re like me, you feel shitty, binge on chips, watch Vanderpump Rules, hate your haters, binge on chips, take an Ambien, write some loopy Facebook posts, bing on chips, and feel even shittier.

I’m thinking of negative feedback right now because earlier this week, I re-launched this blog, and some people dislike the design. Perhaps you, too, agree with my friend who insists that green is a terrible color and that my blog looks “like it was designed on a PC in 1999.”

commodore-64-2Actually, a 1989 Commodore 64.

Regardless, you know the cliché about negative feedback. It’s a gift! Embrace it! That’s the sort of garbage that crappy corporate intranet articles spew about self-development. I should know. I’ve written those crappy articles.

Except, gifts make you feel good. Comparisons to ’90s computers, not so much. You also hug kids and pets. Nineties computers, again, not so much.

So when peers tell you that your work sucks, it’s easy to mutate into a smiling Stepford Employee as your mind races with self-doubt: Do others think I don’t know what I’m doing? Is that because I really don’t know what I’m doing?

There it is. Right there. The heart of why we hate negative feedback. It’s not because we don’t get trophies as much as because second-guessing our choices makes us feel incompetent. So how should you manage impostor syndrome?

It’s a gift! Embrace it! Run for President! Continue reading “The Real Reason You Hate Negative Feedback”

I Got Laid Off

hand-65688_1280-2I really wish the title of this post ended after the first three words. Instead, I got screwed in a different way. Turns out that both types of experiences are pretty similar. They yield a weird mix of sadness and excitement, they involve a mess to clean up, and they leave you questioning life choices.

It went down like this: Two weeks ago my boss called me. “Would you mind coming up to our HR rep’s office?”

Of course I mind! Those words can only mean that I was being called into the principal’s office and about to get expelled. But then, I thought: Hmm…maybe they want to give me the raise and promotion I requested a week prior. (I cringed just typing that last sentence.)

So I stepped into the principal’s office and said, “OK guys, this is going to go one of two ways.”

My boss replied, “Well—”

“And there you have it,” I said.

And there I have it. But what do I have? I’m still not sure. It sucks getting laid off, and I’m sure you’re thinking, “Vadim, how can a company be so stupid to get rid of you. You’re so brilliant, intelligent, creative, funny, attractive. You have such a great fashion sense too!”

I know! I thought the same thing!

On the other hand, I feel enthusiastic and optimistic about my future, even if I still have no idea what I want to be when I grow up. Actually, it’s not that I have no idea—it’s that I have too many ideas. I just need to grow up.

That’s why I’m rebooting this blog. More than two years ago, I launched Ethical Escalator, a blog about ethics (you can still view its posts, dated before this one). But I got lazy. I’m also a great liar, so what do I know about ethics? Besides, I’d found a job in HR that I let take over my life, so I let the blog die.

Today, I’m breathing life back into it. A new title, a new focus, a new me! It’s a Weight Watchers commercial!

I’ll be writing about workplace issues. Because I know about workplace issues. Because I’d written about them for 14 years at a magazine where I was a senior editor (see how I snuck in a credential to give the illusion of authority). Because I recently worked at a Fortune 100 company (I did it again!) managing talent engagement and doing internal communications focusing on leadership, learning, development, performance management, and more. Because I care about creating better workplaces. Because I work.

We all work. We all have all sorts of feelings about our jobs, our managers, our companies, our careers, our lives. I want to share mine with you because…why the hell not? I love challenging the status quo and provoking thought. And this is a better outlet than Facebook, where no one cares what anyone says anyway.

I hope you’ll join me for this ride. I also hope you’ll comment publicly or send me your thoughts. I especially love when someone challenges my own thinking, so tell me when you think I’m right, but also tell me when you think I need a lobotomy. I love praise as much as hate mail. (Actually, I enjoy one of them more. Guess.)

In the meantime, below is the farewell letter I wrote to my work colleagues. It best explains how I feel and offers some thoughts on workplace culture.  Continue reading “I Got Laid Off”

So What If You Gave a BJ in College?

Joan AllenOver the past week, I‘ve been discovering that there are just as many dumb movies on Amazon Instant Video as on Netflix. I’m in the midst of a free 30-day trial membership with the former and almost every night, I look for a free good movie to watch for free, knowing that I won’t actually find one for free. (And by good, I mean something that measures up to my three favorite classics: Independence Day, Basic Instinct, and Madonna: Truth or Dare.) Basically, I’m Sisyphus—but hey, did I just mention my favorite four-letter F-word enough?

The other night, I slept-watched the 2000 political thriller snoozer The Contender, packed with enough famous miscast actors to guarantee that it would suck.

It didn’t suck. At least not completely. Without diving too deeply into the plot, after the country’s Vice President dies, Democratic President Jackson Evans (Jeff Bridges) chooses Laine Hanson (Joan Allen) to be the nation’s next Number 2. (Sorry, Hillary.) But some mean, nasty Republicans (what else would they be?) seek to derail Congressional confirmation by exposing Hanson’s torrid sexual past. Turns out, there’s alleged photographic evidence of Hanson reveling in a drunken orgy during a sorority initiation.

To be clear, I believe that to elevate someone who engaged in such debauchery to Vice President is an insult to the nation.

The woman deserves to be President!  Continue reading “So What If You Gave a BJ in College?”

Can Emphysema Buy Happiness?

Sharone Stone SmokingHow much is your happiness worth? Can you put a dollar amount on it? I can on mine.

$6.25. That’s the cost of a Butterfinger shake at vegan fast-food haven Blossom du Jour. Seriously, it’s better than porn. Of course, Uncle Sam’s sales tax chips away at my joy, but then, who said the government was ever in the business of happiness?

The government did, in fact, when not long ago it released its latest proposed tobacco regulations. The New York Times reported that the new guidelines included “a little-known cost-benefit calculation that public health experts see as potentially poisonous: the happiness quotient. It assumes that the benefits from reducing smoking—fewer early deaths and diseases of the lungs and heart—have to be discounted by 70 percent to offset the loss in pleasure that smokers suffer when they give up their habit.”

In other words, happy smokers mutate into miserable quitters—at least temporarily after puffing their last plume. Put more simply, the health gains from quitting smoking aren’t as great when balanced against the unhappiness quitters feel.

Put even more simply: What good is not getting emphysema if you’re just going to complain about your good health?

On one hand, it’s nice to see Big Bro considering the happiness of its millions of little brothers. Ultimately, the whole point of government is to ensure the happiness of its citizens, something I especially believe as an advocate of utilitarianism, the greatest good for the greatest number (an over-simplification of the ethical theory, but you get the point).

Plus, the U.S. Constitution guarantees everyone the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. By now, we all know that tobacco kills the first part of this trifecta, is an impetus for debate around second, but we rarely—if ever—think about smoking in terms of the third.

Well, the government’s been thinking, and some say thinking about it all wrongly. Continue reading “Can Emphysema Buy Happiness?”

Black Friday Shop-Shaming

Today’s the day to bundle up. You’re going to need all those layers of clothing to absorb the impact of getting trampled at your local Walmart. Happy Black Friday, everyone!

It’s that time of year again, when you can turn on the news at any given moment and watch hordes of people who’ve been camping outside a store finally get their chance to bum-rush the entrance, then race through aisles to grab the latest marked-down iGadget. Like staring at a car wreck, you can’t look away. Gawking at such scenes in horror and disgust, you think to yourself, What is wrong with these people?

It’s easy, isn’t it? To sneer with repugnance at this show of savagery. These animals scrambling to snatch a 50” flat-screen TV—as you watch the Hunger Games play out on your own 50” flat-screen TV. Thank goodness you’re nothing like these idiots.

But you are. You like electronics and clothes, too.

And you’re not. You have time and money to shop when and where and how you want to shop.

In other words, while you can afford to stay home this weekend, others can’t afford not to. May the odds be ever in your favor.

And so, to everyone who sanctimoniously preaches that people should ditch consumerism for what really matters in life this weekend—you know, dead turkeys, trans fat, elastic waistbands, and family arguments about our Muslim president—get over yourselves.  Continue reading “Black Friday Shop-Shaming”

I Was Asked to Post a Fake Amazon Review

Long Nose
I’m currently unemployed, so like most people without a job, I wake up each morning, grab my laptop, plop down on the toilet, and trawl through bookmarked job sites. Sometimes I’ll remember to pee.

Either way, my day begins with a lot of shit. The job postings, I mean.

There is so much that is so wrong with how most companies throw together employment ads. You can imagine some HR woman—of course it’s a woman!—writing an ad, struggling to find the right words for the 14th bullet point. After staring at her screen for an hour, it finally hits her! Her normally abnormally pursed lips broaden into a wide smile; her eyes dance in delight. “You go, girl!” she whispers to herself, flinging back her hair as if in a Pantene commercial, and feverishly taps those keys:

  • Must be proficient in Microsoft Word

I feel bad for her, and her employer, but mainly, I feel bad for myself. No one should have to start a day this way.

I recently stumbled upon this bullet-less Craigslist ad, which began:

Are you a writer with intermediate to advanced writing skills?

You know it! I have a blog!

Can you convey your thoughts about the positive aspects of a consumer product?

I’m a miserable person who feigns happiness daily. Sure!

If you answered yes, you are a perfect candidate for a task that can be repeated unlimited times as opportunities surface. Our marketing agency handles online reputation for many large brands offering consumer goods. If you feel comfortable writing about products on consumer shopping portals, please contact us for more information. Most work takes less than 15 minutes to complete and pay is up to $30. Must have a Paypal account to accept payment.

I already had my suspicions, but I figured, what the hell? I fired off an enthusiastic email highlighting my commitment to potentially earning $120/hour creating great copy.

Here was the reply:  Continue reading “I Was Asked to Post a Fake Amazon Review”

My Nervous Breakdown

Man CryingI had a nervous breakdown earlier this year. Not the kind when your cable freezes just as The Price Is Right is about to reveal the winner of the “Showcase Showdown,” causing you to snap your head sideways and shriek to your pet cat, “Omigod, omigod, omigod, I’m gonna have a nervous breakdown!” I’m talking about the real thing, the kind that you can’t believe is real because it’s so real. The kind that sparks suicidal thoughts not because you actually want to or plan to end your life but because you realize that the life you had already ended and your new life feels like death as you fight to wrap your senses around a future devoid of sense because you can’t but can but can’t but can but can’t but can and finally do comprehend that things will never be the way they were. That kind of nervous breakdown.

I was a mess, sobbing, hyperventilating, pacing back and forth in my studio apartment for hours each day. I’d call friends for emotional support but could barely sputter through my tears. Is this really happening? It’s really happening. Totally surreal. I’d never felt worse.

I haven’t told many people about this because many people would not care, while others would fail at pretending to care. But I mention this here because a good number of confidants replied in ways that were well-meaning but lacked meaning. Continue reading “My Nervous Breakdown”

The FDA Should Ban Black Blood

I recently committed an act of civil disobedience. I donated blood. But before I get to that, I realize that it seems as if David Duke had written the title of this post, but consider this: Black people accounted for 44% of all new HIV infections among adults and adolescents in 2010 (the last time such stats were available), according to the Centers for Disease Control. Given the relatively small size of the U.S. black population, that means that the rate of HIV infection among blacks is eight times that of whites.

The Food and Drug Administration should reject black blood,  just as it shuns gay blood.

Blood SplatterYou might be thinking that black people aren’t responsible for the high HIV rate so much as black gay men are. You’d be right. In fact, men accounted for 70% of all new HIV infections among black people; most of these men were gay or bisexual—or as health agencies commonly put it, “men who have sex with men (MSM).” So, it really is a gay problem.

A big one. In 2010 gay and bisexual men between ages 13 and 24 accounted for 72% of all new HIV infections in that age range. Which is partly why the FDA continues to uphold its ban preventing blood donations by men who’ve have sex with men since 1977.

Of course, the FDA also won’t allow donations by those who’ve had a quickie with a prostitute or intercourse with an IV drug user within the last year. So if you’re a straight married man who’s screwed a hooker a few years ago, your blood’s OK. If you’re an openly gay married man—even with an HIV- test—you’re just screwed. Forever.  Continue reading “The FDA Should Ban Black Blood”